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What Are They Smokin’?: Let’s Build a Fast And Furious Crew—With Sports Stars

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WHAT ARE THEY SMOKIN’?: Let’s Build a Fast And Furious Crew—With Sports Stars

We built a Fast and Furious crew out of your favorite sports stars.

 

Welcome to “What Are They Smokin’?” a semi-weekly column questioning sports stars and those within the sports world over their latest, ahem, antics.

It was sometime after Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, playing Luke Hobbs in Fate of the Furious, jumped out of his speeding car to alter the path of a torpedo (which was shot at him by a submarine), that I tried to imagine who could pull of such feats, other than these magnificent human beings.

At first, I thought of other movie stars. Sure, Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio could add a certain panache to the franchise, but they couldn’t sell it like Vin Diesel, Tyrese Gibson or The Rock.

Then I started to think: Which of my favorite sports stars could carry a poor-man’s version of this epic franchise?

What followed was a deep dive into building a Fast and Furious sports crew, and five questions that emerged from planning the sequel: Fast N9ne.

Here’s what a crew in Fast N9ne would look like, if it featured sports superstars.

Russell Westbrook as Dominic Toretto

He’s the leader of a crew that he’s deathly loyal to. If you betray him or a member of his family, then you should pray you’re not in his way. Westbrook’s anger when driving to the hole mirrors Toretto’s, when he has a wrench in his hand.

Dom might need a car to drive a quarter of a mile; Westbrook can do it while pulling off a triple-double.

Rob Gronkowski as Luke Hobbs

Gronk would prove to be a more light-hearted take on the Hobbs character. They both can pull off entertaining one-liners while wearing sleeveless shirts, and sweating profusely.

Bill Belichick as Mr. Nobody

Mr. Nobody, played by Kurt Russell in the films, might be slightly flashier than Belichick, but we think he’s a perfect fit for the role. There’s absolutely no way Belichick would prefer to be called by his God-given name when he could have the moniker “Mr. Nobody.”

JR Smith as Roman Pearce

JR Smith wouldn’t have to necessarily stretch his acting chops to play a big talker who never wears a shirt.

Kevin Durant as Letty Ortiz

Maybe Durant, like Letty, is suffering from amnesia after turning his back on Toretto. One day they’ll hopefully realize that they love each other.

Stephen Curry as Tej Parker

Parker is a hardworking, humble master at his craft, which are also qualities to describe Curry. Both are quiet, steady performers who don’t mind telling a dad joke or two when the spotlight is on them.

Five questions:

  1. What’s the big heist?

Whether they’re stealing DVD players or a vault filled with $100 million, the Fast and the Furious crew always goes big. The same goes for our crew of sports-stars-turned-street-racers-turned-professional robbers.

The only thing that could possibly be worthy of our Fast and Furious film is … stealing Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey from those who initially snagged it.

Think of how amazing it would be to see how the crew got Tommy Terrific’s jersey back as they jet-set around the world, dealing with a shadowy organization that steals sports memorabilia.

  1. Who’s the big bad guy?

The Fast and Furious franchise showed it wasn’t messing around with Fate of the Furious’ bad girl, Charlize Theron. Her fiery portrayal of Cipher raised the bar for all the upcoming antagonists in the next 27 or so sequels.

The only person in sports who could garner such hate, all with a smile on his face? Roger Goodell.

Imagine if the third-act twist was that the NFL Commissioner was behind the robbery of Brady’s Super Bowl jersey. Not even M. Night Shyamalan could devise a twist that good

  1. What’s the final fight?

It seems that every Fast and Furious movie has a climactic ending that must outdo the previous movie’s finish. The franchise has already given us epic endings, including a hurtling vault that destroyed a Brazilian city and a crazy-ass submarine battle. There are even rumors that the next in the saga will see the Furious family go to space. So how would our sports-themed, climactic ending play out? Well, I’m glad you asked.

Now that Brady’s Super Bowl memorabilia has been returned to him, we need to Hollywood-ify the story a little bit.

Instead of a ceremony at Fenway Park, our version would have Brady expecting to receive his jersey at the Pro Bowl in Orlando. Our crew of street-racing robbers would battle through the barren streets of Orlando until they hit Disney World. The sprawling amusement park would be the ideal setting for another ridiculous (and fitting) ending in the saga. Plus, Disney World seems like the perfect place for Gronkowski’s Hobbs.

  1. What will be Gronk’s 3 best one-liners?

“Now that’s what they call a tailpipe.”

“That really revved my engine.”

“What year did you say this Mustang was? Is it a number close to…70?”

  1. Rank all eight of the Fast and Furious films.

(DON’T @ ME)

  1. Fast Five
  2. The Fast and the Furious
  3. Fate of the Furious
  4. Furious 7
  5. Furious 6
  6. Fast and Furious
  7. 2 Fast 2 Furious
  8. Tokyo Drift

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